Weekly Rhythm

I have been trying to bring some order into our rather disorderly lives as of late. Laundry piles, daily runs to the grocery store, uneaten food in the refirgerator, unfiled paperwork. I am not naturally an organized nor orderly person. In fact, I rather thrive in chaos and last-minuteness. My best college papers were always written just hours before they were due--papers that were started in advance were usually chucked at the last minute for much more inspired writing. However, being at home with two toddlers has made me appreciate a more predictable, orderly existence. Consequently, I have gradually been introducing some more structure to my week (not simply to their days) so that I can ensure that all things get done that need to be done, and if they don't get done, at least I am aware of it. I started with a couple of laundry days per week, then I added a paperwork day, and a cleaning day... As crazy as all of this sounds, I really love knowing what I need to do in a particular day and, at the end of the day, i sit down with a real sense of satisfaction, instead of feeling listless and confused. Well, just not completely listless and confused... I mean I still look for my keys and my phone at least four or five times a day. Some things will never change.

Autumn Days: 8

Brian, Brodie, the kids and I went on a hike near Mount Hood along Salmon River last weekend. We made the slightly over an hour drive in the hopes of catching the last of the salmon swimming upriver. We missed the salmon but we got some spectacular views. It was as if the forest was raining oranges, reds and yellows. This just-fallen leaf landed in the river. It sparkled and shone, just submerged in fresh water. Pretty pretty pretty.

Thirty-Something

Happy Birthday, my love. Happy Birthday.

Corner of My Home

There is a flickr devoted to pictures of cozy spaces in homes around the world. Given the domestic feelings I am having right now, I am fascinated and inspired by the Corners of My Home pictures. One of my favorite spots in my own home right now is the new shelf (new to us, purchased at an antique store last weekend) housing my knitting supplies in the office. It was originally intended for Norah's room, but I found it just too irresistible...

Baking Bread

I used to bake bread as a child with my dad's mother while visiting California. We got to customize our bread with chocolate chips or raisins or really whatever we wanted. My brother and I would make mini-loafs while my grandmother baked loaves of white bread for she and my grandfather. I do not think she ever ever had store-bought bread in the house.

I have been re-introduced to the wonders of bread making through the book Feeding the Whole Family by Cynthia Lair. My brother also has some experience with it so he has helped me along a bit. I don't know why it has just occurred to me to try baking our bread--I LOVE bread, love it more than any other food and a piece of warm bread just out of the oven could make my whole week. I made the recipe for Whole Grain Bread out of Lair's book a couple of weeks ago and it came out tasting more like a brick then it did bread. I decided to give that same recipe another shot this week. I need to make a couple of changes but, overall, not too bad.

AND our whole house smells like fresh baked bread. What a way to fall asleep...

Nesting

Instead of writing about my horrific week, I am going to try to refocus on what is making me happy in this moment. Home. Domesticity. Cool outside and warm inside. Slippers. Snoring Stormy. Winter knits. Gerda Muller's Autumn.

Over the past few weeks, I have put a lot of thought into our home--not jut what should go where nor just what needs to be cleaned and how--but real thought into making this temporary home of our a very cozy, very warm, very comfortable place to be. The house itself is a cozy one already. There is a cast iron stove in the living room which generates a good amount of heat and the living room walls are painted warm colors. I even made N and H a pair of cozy slippers to wear around our cozy, warm house. Sadly, Norah won't give them a second look, and they don't have any tread on them so Harvey can not remain upright for over five minutes on our all hardwood floors. These were a definite miss. At least they look sweet in the wicker basket next to the cast iron stove...

In keeping with the domestic theme of life lately, I have fallen in love with the book A House Blessing by Welleran Poltarnees. I found it in the used children's books section at a local bookstore and passed over it initially for fear of what might be inside of it. But then I gave it a chance. It's filled with vintage pictures of domestic life and the words that accompany those pictures give life to exactly what I have been trying to capture in our own house here in this strange, foreign land. "May the strength of its walls make you safe, keeping peace within and trouble without; but through its open windows and doors let nature come." I think my heart beats just a little softer every time I read it.

Autumn Days: 7

Although the past couple of days have been beautiful here in Portland, we have begun to see little hints of what the winter has in store for us in the Pacific Northwest. I don't like downpours (unless they are accompanied by loud Texas thunder and lightning), but I don't mind drizzly, chilly, greyness. I may even like drizzly, chilly greyness. I'll let you know in February...

October Hiking

Over the weekend Brodie discovered yet another beautiful hike within city limits so we headed off with the kids this afternoon to enjoy the brisk yet sunny weather in the forest in our city. Enjoy it we did. We started off at a bird rescue sanctuary and then headed down the valley on the Macleay Trail. There was was something very etherial about the trail at this time of year--bright yellows and oranges hung suspended in the clear, pale blue sky, and water babbled through the rocks to our right--the only earthly sound came from the leaves crunching underneath our feet. Brodie felt like he was walking through a scene in Return of the Jedi and I just felt breatheless--from the uphill hiking with a kid on my back. October hiking in Portland--how things have changed from one year ago.

Autumn Days: 6

I have been trying to post more regularly these days. Something really nice about ending my day with some pictures and some words. Today more pictures than words.

Autumn Days: 5

Red and orange in the air. Lovely.

At Home with the Kids

It is very rare in my life that I make a choice that I am not conflicted about in some way or another. I was conflicted about being a Teach for America corps member, about being a teacher, about working for a for-profit educational company, about working for Teach for America, and now about the choice to stay at home. Except this time it is different. I love almost everything about what I do except what it is called and what it means in a broader social context.

A couple of experiences I have had recently have fueled this feeling and even inspired some self-doubt. For one, Norah's pediatrician whose opinion I respect thinks that it is almost unnatural for children to be at home with their mothers at all times. He looks to traditional societies for answers to many parenting questions--toddlers of hunters and gatherers stayed in large groups with other children while their mothers gathered food for the tribe. Additionally, according to Dr. Joel, Norah and Harvey need to see me pursuing other interests outside of them. Hmmmm..... I have also overheard pretty disparaging remarks lately about mothers who choose to stay home with their children.

Rationally, I can work through the conflicts by telling myself, for instance, that offspring of hunters and gatherers likely stayed with aunts or grandmothers. Or that I do pursue other interests--I read, write, craft, take time to myself while family members are with the kids. I can turn around the insulting remarks and ask, to myself, what is it about one's own life choices that makes one utter such statements?

Most of my moments are filled with a confidence that I ultimately know what is best for me, for my kids, and for my family in general. Despite what doctors might say, I know that my daughter needs to be at home with me right now rather than in a school, if even for one day a week. I also know that I could never match the feeling of deep satisfaction i feel after a day's "work" with a job, no matter how meaningful that work might be. And I say all of this with an appreciation and respect for other mothers (and fathers) whose choices are different than my own.

So, in the context of my own home and within my own close circle of family and friends, I warmly embrace my station in life, my choice to be with my kids. I know that there are some trade-offs and I have to work to compensate for those things--my kids do need to spend time around other children in playgroups, for example, and I need to ensure that they have a happy, healthy, well-rounded female role model. I am working hard to make up our losses here, Now I need to work harder on taking one or two brave steps outside of my circle, outside of my home and into the world with a little more confidence about my life choices. Make sense?

Tree Climbin'

With some help from their Nonna, the kiddos discovered a tree at our favorite afternoon spot, Mount Tabor, a few visits ago. They are now stuck to it like glue each time we go to the park. With the recent trips to the ER, the climbing leaves me with a distinct sense of unease, but I fight it, and let them romp and run and climb. This particular tree reminds me of Shell Silverstein's. His base is large and round and seems to be made for small children. His trunk offers a couple places to sit, a nice area to rest your back, and even a slot for a cup or small bowl. I could nestle in there with my knitting and rest for hours if it weren't for the fear of impending disaster looming in Harvey's future. But, I should know better, this old tree is watching over him, keeping him safe, and softening up her rough parts for those unavoidable boy falls that he is surely going to take.

Autumn Days: 4

Berries everywhere!

A Sprightly Kind of Play

My favorite place to take the kids in the afternoon is the top of Mount Tabor-- a park on the east end of town. It is a short uphill walk from the parking area to the green space where we plant ourselves for a couple of hours at a time. There is nothing particularly spectacular about the spot (although there is statue of a bronze Harvey)--the views are pretty but not breathtaking--but there is some kind of magic up there. I am sure of it. The worlds that Norah imagines on top of this mountain leave me with no words. She is pictured here with two leaves--birds for her. Her birds flew and ate and danced and flew some more with Harvey in tow all the while. A true wonder to behold. If only my own imagination was still that alive...

Autumn Days: 3

The colors are so vivid right now. Spectacular.

Autumn Days: 2

I was taking a walk with Norah and Stormy a couple of afternoons ago and came across an apple tree in full bloom--fruit dropping off of it and everything. In some weird way, it seemed hysterical to me that there was an apple tree with apples on it growing in a neighbor's backyard. It was as if I was walking around in some cliched postmodern world. Brian described a similar feeling last Saturday at the farmer's market--he said that it was as if people were enjoying the event not for the sake of the event but rather for their presence at the event. Too much self-awareness and not enough authenticity. Gosh, it is late and I don't know where I am going here. In any case, this apple is pretty.

Making Play Dough!

A good friend of mine reminded me of the wonders of play dough and children this morning (honestly, the only real memory I have of the stuff outside from making spaghetti with a plastic contraption is eating it, and eating a lot of it, but that is another tory...). So, with an empty afternoon on our hands, we headed to the store for our ingredients and then embarked on our mission.

I found the recipe for homemade play dough here. The whole process took less than 30 minutes, and, as it turned out, the making of it was more fun than the playing with it. Harvey spent most of his time throwing the final product on the floor and Norah spent her time shrieking with frustration at Harvey for throwing it on the floor. Ahhhh... all in a day's work.

Autumn Days: 1

I have spent some time outdoors in the past few days trying to capture the turning of the seasons with my camera. Stormy, Norah, and I take pretty regular evening walks and evidence of Autumn is literally all around us. Amanda Soule's Days of Summer has inspired me to post 30 days in pictures of this enrapturing season.